Just What I’m Looking For

Everyone is searching for something. Whether it be companionship, love, answers, a reason or a path, we are all looking for something. Something that we need.

I’ve found that my search is for balance. I’m constantly on the cusp of understanding just how to balance my life and everything in it for a peaceful existence. A balance between work and play. A balance between friends and family. And balance between everyone else and myself.

But, my search is on going. Balance is never reached and I find myself searching for new reasons why. Each time I learn something new, some fresh bit of information about myself or about my environment, I get one more step closer to achieving that personal balance I so desperately want.

And yet, as close as I get, I feel myself trip and fall with balance right out of reach. I’ve begun to wonder if I can ever have what I want. What I crave most in my life. That feeling of peace and everything being in its place in my world.

As far as I feel from my own person balance, I did learn something interesting this week about myself in regards to the relationships I have. For all the peace I desire in my own life, I allow myself to have relationships in which there is no balance.

Odd, right?

So here I am, constantly seeking that which I so deeply feel will make me happy, a sense of peace in my world and yet I go into a relationship with another human being and don’t request that same desire. The desire of balance and compromise between two adults.

Instead, I walk into the relationship and take on the responsibility of all the heavy lifting. Of all the big questions. I completely take on the job of caring and maintaining the relationship of two people without requiring the participation of the other member.

When I do ask for more than what I assume they are willing to give, I ask in a small tone of voice with little more than just a simple request, if they aren’t too busy. And that gets me nowhere. So I trudge along, bearing the weight of two people, not expecting more than the very least of my partner.

Then the burden starts to take its toll. My shoulders slump, my heart gets heavy and start to lose pieces of myself along the way. I forget who I am and why I started this relationship in the first place. I begin to resent my partner because they can’t seem to pick up on the stresses I feel and step in to save me. To help out and do their part.

Kind of silly of me to take on the whole job and then expect them to dip in and save me when I can’t carry the emotional weight of the relationship any longer. Not only that but to read my mind and my heart. To just know when I need them without me asking.

Finding this out about myself shed some new light on my past relationships. It also gave me a new boundary to set up for myself and a new habit to begin. I need to allow the other person to carry their half of the weight. I need to balance the responsibilities of the relationship and voice my needs to my partner.

Though I may not have all the answers, having a little more light to lead me back to my path is comforting. It was a sigh of relief as I put my thoughts and feeling together and saw where the change was needed. It also gave me some insight into the failures of my past.

Photo Credit

Balance, it’s just what I’m looking for. For both myself and for my future relationships.

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