I’m hoping that this is the worst of the worst.
In the beginning of the summer, things sucked but I was on high alert all the time and too busy protecting my son and myself to grieve.
Then, on Friday during the full moon, I said a prayer and did a little meditation, offering up to the universe forgiveness and asking for it in return. I also went back and remembered the good times we had, the great memories, and all the fun I’d captured in a single scrapbook.
Since I can’t go to the source and ask for this forgiveness, I threw it out into the cosmic river of wishes and dreams with the hope that I’m doing what needs to be done to heal.
Well, little did I know I would open the doors. And by open, I mean fling wide the pearly doors that were holding back the muckety muck I’d been suppressing.
Now I’m in the throws of a full on deep depression. One in which has me bound to the floor.
I don’t want to decorate or go to parties or get dressed up or even eat. I’m barely sleeping and I’m tired all day. And I cry. Easily.
Today, I left my son’s lunch at home on the counter. I pretty much cried all the way to work. I’ve been close to tears numerous times while at work dealing with crabby customers.
I’m having to remind myself over and over why I chose to leave. Why I chose to end things as best I could. Why I wanted another path to walk.
But it’s not working. I’m sad and overwhelmed by the losses. My friends, my groups, my best friend, my dreams and the person I’d known.
Sad thing is, if I sit and think about it, the person I knew is no longer. Their actions and words have erased them and replaced them with a sad, sad individual that would claim suicide over a break-up. That would go against my wishes and stalk me. That would use my words and share them with everyone.
This person is hurt and when they are hurt, they lash out. And I got caught.
So why do I miss them so much?? Why do I ache for what I had?
Is it grief? Will it go away? Or will I determine it was all a mistake and regret my decisions to make so many changes?
GAH! Either way I’m at a loss. I can’t stop feeling low and I can’t seem to shake free this feeling of grief.