What do I want?
Hum…good question. I’m always asking myself just this.
There are always things that I want. Things that take time and money to secure like a house with a yard and a huge kitchen and room in the back for a garden. A new car would be nice, one with a big truck space to fit bikes and tents and scooters for a camping weekend. Oh and I’d love a new washing machine and dryer set. One that matches and didn’t come from the discount store or were handed down.
Those are things. Things I’d like to have now but must wait. They will come in time because there are other intangible things I want at present.
One being balance. To find a way to play and work so that each area of my life is fulfilled and meaningful.
Think about it. You work 40 hours a week, come home to full time parental duties and yet you would like to work on a project, cook a meal, do some light chores and even get in a workout. How does one do it? This I don’t know but I’m striving to find out.
I’d also like to have a life with minimal change. Change is good, I get that and I know I’d not appreciate where I am or what I’ve become without change. But, so much change can damage the foundation of an uncertain structure. I’m in no way secure in my self. Not enough to withstand so much change. And with all that’s happened in the last 12 months, I find myself flinching at even the smallest of mention of an alteration to the plan or a suggestion to deviate from the path ahead.
I also want a break. A break from the heavy decisions and exhausting emotional work. I’d like to have a moment of peace where nothing is required of me and my only responsibility is to breathe. Just a breath in and a breath out. Nothing more, nothing less. Just a simple pause in the hectic day to day.
These are things I want. But I’m finding that what I want and what the Universe has in store for me are two different things.
It’s like that Rolling Stones song laments:
You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need
So maybe I can’t get what I want because I’m busy dealing with what I need. And though this may make me stronger and may put me on a solid path toward a better future, I’m getting tired.
This weekend I was feeling down and drained. I felt like I had lead in my toes and an anchor around my heart. Everything was weighing me down and I didn’t know if I would ever float to the surface again.
Then, during a car ride home after a nice Easter morning gathering, the clouds broke for a moment and I saw blue skies. Bright and clear, almost unreal to the eyes. In that moment, I knew things would be ok. The clouds shifted enough to allow the brightest patch of azure sky to peek through, giving me pause. It was then I realized that things suck now. I’m working hard daily to lay down the footpath for my future and all that labor intense work is taking its toll. But, soon, I’ll have what I want.
A much needed break
A little less change.
And maybe…just maybe, some much deserved balance in life.