Sometimes…

…you just have to laugh. You have to find something funny. Something worth making you see that it’s not so bad.

Lately, my world seems to be swelling. Growing bigger and bigger, becoming more and more unmanageable. Small snippets of time I once had for myself, for things I enjoyed, are slowly being reallocated.

My life is quietly being redesigned to accommodate more of what other people want, rather than having a focus on what my son and I need.

For now, I’m not sure if my inability to adapt to this new situation is because it’s a lot of change all at once or if it’s just me.

If it’s the issue of change, then once the adjustment period is done and life settles, I should be ok.

But if it’s me then I’m in trouble. I feel like a rock set dead center in a constantly flowing river of social obligations, responsibilities, and commitments to others. Instead of going with the flow, I seem to have sunk my heels in and I’m struggling to keep from sinking.

I feel a life changing purge coming on. Someway to cut away the physical and emotional clutter that might be hampering my ability to adapt.

My biggest obstacle? Finding the energy to do so. And then sticking to whatever I find works.

Here’s hoping that somewhere, under all the layers of responsibility and duty, commitments and obligations, I find a place of my own.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

What do I want?

Hum…good question. I’m always asking myself just this.

There are always things that I want. Things that take time and money to secure like a house with a yard and a huge kitchen and room in the back for a garden. A new car would be nice, one with a big truck space to fit bikes and tents and scooters for a camping weekend. Oh and I’d love a new washing machine and dryer set. One that matches and didn’t come from the discount store or were handed down.

Those are things. Things I’d like to have now but must wait. They will come in time because there are other intangible things I want at present.

One being balance. To find a way to play and work so that each area of my life is fulfilled and meaningful.

Think about it. You work 40 hours a week, come home to full time parental duties and yet you would like to work on a project, cook a meal, do some light chores and even get in a workout. How does one do it? This I don’t know but I’m striving to find out.

I’d also like to have a life with minimal change. Change is good, I get that and I know I’d not appreciate where I am or what I’ve become without change. But, so much change can damage the foundation of an uncertain structure. I’m in no way secure in my self. Not enough to withstand so much change. And with all that’s happened in the last 12 months, I find myself flinching at even the smallest of mention of an alteration to the plan or a suggestion to deviate from the path ahead.

I also want a break. A break from the heavy decisions and exhausting emotional work. I’d like to have a moment of peace where nothing is required of me and my only responsibility is to breathe. Just a breath in and a breath out. Nothing more, nothing less. Just a simple pause in the hectic day to day.

These are things I want. But I’m finding that what I want and what the Universe has in store for me are two different things.

It’s like that Rolling Stones song laments:

You can’t always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

So maybe I can’t get what I want because I’m busy dealing with what I need. And though this may make me stronger and may put me on a solid path toward a better future, I’m getting tired.

This weekend I was feeling down and drained. I felt like I had lead in my toes and an anchor around my heart. Everything was weighing me down and I didn’t know if I would ever float to the surface again.

Then, during a car ride home after a nice Easter morning gathering, the clouds broke for a moment and I saw blue skies. Bright and clear, almost unreal to the eyes. In that moment, I knew things would be ok. The clouds shifted enough to allow the brightest patch of azure sky to peek through, giving me pause. It was then I realized that things suck now. I’m working hard daily to lay down the footpath for my future and all that labor intense work is taking its toll. But, soon, I’ll have what I want.

A much needed break

A little less change.

And maybe…just maybe, some much deserved balance in life.

Nothing Left

There are moments in time. Moments that are unavoidable and aren’t something we can prepare for.

A moment that is meant to be a sign or in some way a designated point in space to remind of us something else.

Rarely are the two related. But, one is always big and reminds us of the small things. Or one is small and reminds us of the bigger picture.

Today was one of those moments. Something small brought about a reminder of something big. Bigger than the morning commute. Bigger than the expenses that are incurred monthly. Bigger than the bags of groceries to feed the bottomless pit that is a growing child. Bigger than the boo-boo on one’s heart. Bigger than the disappointment felt when that something small doesn’t quite fit into the scheme of things.

That small moment, that little glimmer of hope is the start of a much bigger avalanche that very quickly escalates into a disastrous mountain piled high on top of me. On my hopes. Burying me deep.  Pushing me down.

Reminding me of the bigger picture.

As suddenly as it started, it ends abruptly and I’m left raw and tired. Numb from the cold, exhausted from the fight. I’m reminded of things I had stuffed away to deal with another day.

I’m reminded of my disappointments, my bone-deep exhaustion, my feeling of less-than and my fears of failure.

The big picture is me. My life. My path. Right now.

And that big picture is overwhelming and disappointing. It’s not what I thought it would be. It’s no where near as beautiful as I’d hoped.

That moment has passed but the big picture still looms in front of me. Facing me. And I can’t look away.

Super Me

Some days I wish I wasn’t me.

I wish I was Super Me, a superior form of my average human self.

One with super strength and super bravery and super intelligence.

Even a cape. The cape always brings it together.

I wish that I knew and felt how capable I am. How able I can be. How I am and always will be ok.

I wish I could break down walls¬† with my bare hands. Smash through fires without being burned. Simmer down raging fist fights with just a single “hush” spoken from my lips.

Still wish I had a cape. One with powers to protect me from any harm be it physical or emotional. A green and blue cape if I must choose.

I wish I was better. Better at being brave and strong. Better at not taking things so personally and not being so fearful of confrontation.

I wish I wasn’t me.

I wish I was Super Me.

The Plan

Planning. Making plans. To plan.

The word plans makes me both excited and nervous.

I like having an idea of what the plan is. That first we’ll wake up, get dressed, go to work, come home, then have our evening activities like homework, dinner, bath and bedtime. Then the quiet peace that fills the house once the young eyes of my son have closed and his deep open lipped snoring sounds blissfully unaware through the night.

I like the feeling of comfort in knowing how our day will be shaped. It’s like a warm large blanket wrapped around me, giving me comfort as I move a long. A simple hug of assurance that you know what you plan to do.

As the blanket cuddles me softly, a cold breeze seeps in between the folds and I realize these plans, they aren’t tight enough.

No plan will ever be fool-proof.

There are always ifs, ands, and buts that can get in the way, break open the hold and leak into a good, solid plan.

But that’s where the balance comes in. The mixture between having a course and staying with it but having the flexibility to bend when the changes come.

Because, everyone knows that when man plans, The Universe laughs. And laughs hard.

Keep your plans. Make then lightly and with ease. Then add a back-up plans, a little room for change and some space for bending.

 

The Grief of Metamorphosis

Lately I’ve wondered who am I?

Who am I and what am I doing?

Have I always been this person or…

Was I molded into this being by my experiences?

Does what I’ve been through affect me or…

Does who I am affect what I’ve been through?

 

So far I’ve received no answer.

No deeper understanding of who I was or what I’ve become.

Did my dreams change or am I the person I’ve always wanted to be but…

Couldn’t?

The grief is deep as I struggle within my cocoon.

The painful ripping and tearing of flesh as my new wings sprout.

Who ever thought that the beauty of a butterfly was achieved so peacefully was wrong.

To break forth a new being is incredibly painful and scary.

It’s the loneliest point in a life.

To change.

To reveal.

To be all that you are meant to be.

 

She’s Crafty…

I am not an energetic person.

I don’t bounce off the walls and I’d rather be sitting and watching then up and doing.

I’m calm, kinda lazy and very chill.

Don’t get me wrong, I can get crazy and wild and run around like a maniac but…you are more likely to find me sitting in a bed or couch with a book or a movie just relaxing.

It might be the iron deficiency that plagues me or that I’m just an observer more than a doer.

But, put me in front of an easel or a sewing machine and I go. Something about being creative and making something from nothing that excites me!

I suddenly go from quiet, calm side-line observer to an over-active participant.

Art, it’s what makes me move.

Crafting, it’s what makes me do.

To take an idea, move it and mold it into something tangible and then have it at your fingertips as proof of your thoughts, your creativity and your abilities is a stunning process.

And I thrive on it!

But working a full schedule and being a single parent taking care of the dual duties of both mother and father can make it hard to live out that creative need. That yearning to build and craft.

So, you do what you can. You take the time to search and find inspiration. Then you brew a late night cup of coffee and sit down at your machine. You pull together the brightly color scraps and start to stitch.

You make it happen.

And then you blog about it.

Introducing: In Stitches! My new blog dedicated to my crafty side.

Now, let the creativity flow.