Nothing Left

There are moments in time. Moments that are unavoidable and aren’t something we can prepare for.

A moment that is meant to be a sign or in some way a designated point in space to remind of us something else.

Rarely are the two related. But, one is always big and reminds us of the small things. Or one is small and reminds us of the bigger picture.

Today was one of those moments. Something small brought about a reminder of something big. Bigger than the morning commute. Bigger than the expenses that are incurred monthly. Bigger than the bags of groceries to feed the bottomless pit that is a growing child. Bigger than the boo-boo on one’s heart. Bigger than the disappointment felt when that something small doesn’t quite fit into the scheme of things.

That small moment, that little glimmer of hope is the start of a much bigger avalanche that very quickly escalates into a disastrous mountain piled high on top of me. On my hopes. Burying me deep.  Pushing me down.

Reminding me of the bigger picture.

As suddenly as it started, it ends abruptly and I’m left raw and tired. Numb from the cold, exhausted from the fight. I’m reminded of things I had stuffed away to deal with another day.

I’m reminded of my disappointments, my bone-deep exhaustion, my feeling of less-than and my fears of failure.

The big picture is me. My life. My path. Right now.

And that big picture is overwhelming and disappointing. It’s not what I thought it would be. It’s no where near as beautiful as I’d hoped.

That moment has passed but the big picture still looms in front of me. Facing me. And I can’t look away.

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5 thoughts on “Nothing Left

  1. I get it, I feel the same way often. Maybe this is one of those “it’s about the journey, not the destination” kind of things. Two thoughts come to mind:
    (1) Nothing ever goes as planned. Most people would attest that they are not doing would they had originally planned on. Life pulls everyone in all kinds of previously unseen directions. And until it’s over, you still never know where you might end up.
    (2) Sometimes it helps to put the big picture out of your mind. Don’t let it get you down. Sometimes I just try and focus on the tasks at hand, the little things I need to do each day. Especially when taking on a new project- if I focus too much on the end result, I just get overwhelmed and usually give up. So I try and just enjoy whatever step I am on at the time for what it is. Nothing works all the time, but this usually helps me.

    • Yes, this is true. And while I’m pretty capable of knowing this, this post was an “at the moment” response. I know it’ll pass but it’s hard to jump over this stuff while you are in the midst of dealing with it. I do know, logically, things will be ok and work out they way they are meant to because, that’s life. But in this moment, as a single parent making all the big decisions, I think I need to dwell and mourn the moment as I stare unmoving into this huge ass picture that I see no end to. For this moment, I’ll let the gravity of it all and the loneliness of my role just wrap around me. Then it’ll pass, I’ll take a deep breath and move on. Like I have for the past five years. And life goes on 🙂

  2. Pingback: Well Rounded « In Stitches

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