Ever just want to stand up and scream?
To let out an ear piercing throaty holler loud enough to wake the dead?
In past couple of years it seems I’m fighting an uphill battle. And my foe? Me. I’m fighting against myself.
I’m fighting against my 5 year old self that wanted to be a mommy that stayed home to cook and clean and take care of the kids. I’m fighting against my 7 year old self that wanted to be a teacher handing out lessons and homework. I’m fighting my 23 year old self that had everything within reach, all ready for me to take on and live it.
I’m constantly fighting.
And yesterday, for the first time, I didn’t feel like fighting anymore.
I can’t say I didn’t care because I obviously do, enough to write about it and dwell on it. But I do know that the exhaustion from this uphill battle the last couple of years has officially worn me down.
I no longer have hopes and dreams to work towards or look forward to.
Now I just trudge along, making the most of the present and working to survive day in and day out. I’m working to make the most with what I have and to live without a dream for the future. Without an idea of what I want because so far, what I want has only brought pain and sadness. What I want has only given me false hope for a future I can’t have.
So I focus on the laundry. Yes the laundry. The clothes scattered about my bedroom floor, mixed in with the shoes that need to be put away. I focus on folding and organizing my drawers, separating the things that fit and the items that need to be donated. I will wash the dirty and hang up the clean things.
I’ll focus on the laundry.
And tomorrow, I’ll find something else to keep my attention. To keep my broken heart from realizing what I want so badly isn’t what is meant to be. That it’s better right now to live moment to moment without much thought on the future.
But for today, I’ll focus on my laundry.