Either Or

I live in a world with definite boundaries.

I am an either or kinda girl.

There is no space for grey area. It’s either black or white.

No middle ground.

I realize, as I read what I’m typing, that this is purely ridiculous and completely goes against my open heart and mind personality.

Because in reality, I live in world that consists of colors and shapes. Nothing fits perfectly. There are no rigid or hard boundaries. Everything just flows and molds and shapes into everything else. This is life, true life.

It’s us humans that try to find form and function in all we see. We look and see chaos and quickly tie it up with laws and rules. We define what is right or wrong. We create whole religions and belief systems to have a better grip on the reality around us.

I’ve been so caught up in my anger and grief, in my lack of understanding of how completely turned around I am that I’m grasping at strings to tie up the chaos around me. I’m searching for answers that I will never find and lacking in the ability to see that things will happen as they should and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

Either…or… This is how it’s been and how I see it.

But maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong to believe in either or. Maybe, just maybe, I need to see the grey areas and believe that there could be possibilities but that I can’t count on them to happen.

Just maybe I need to soften my shoulders, cry a little bit and then begin to live this new life I find myself standing in the middle of. A life with freedom and choices. A life where my wants and needs are taken care of and where I get to enjoy the things I cherish most. A new book. An early bedtime. Watching the same movie over and over. Listening to classical music while I share jokes and laugh with my son.

Where the air smells of pumpkin spices and autumn baking. Where a white candle for balance, a rose quartz stone for love and a cleansing sage bundle sit together.

Maybe, just maybe, I need to live this life today and not think of tomorrow.

And not worry right now with the either and the or.


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