Metamorphosis is painful.
The push and pull and aching of skin as the wings threaten to force through, pressing painfully against my outer shell.
I’ve been in a state of flux, wishing and hoping, praying and dreaming of the day
the Pain stops.
I’ve walked and stumbled, reached for a roving cloud as it floated past only to fall and tumble.
My body itches, my skin no longer big enough. It barely covers me,
stretching and taut,
flaking and ugly,
(like a pair of ill fitting pants that swing about the calves and hug snugly at my hips)
I scratch and tug, ripping at my flesh,
waiting for wings
expecting that last painful burst from my body.
Hunched against the cold and the discomfort
There is nothing in the world that makes me feel more alone than having a big decision to make by myself.
The weight of all the pros and cons, all the ins and outs press on me till I’m black and blue. Yet there is no one to take the pressure off.
It’s on my shoulders, my head. I must choose, must make the plans.
Big or little, involving just me or including my son, I must choose.
Nothing makes me feel more desperately alone on this long and winding path than this.
Maybe this is why I am hesitant to make simple decisions. Maybe this is why I like to be given direction and told what to do for smaller plans.
Because in my life, I make all the big decisions.
And for once, it’s nice to be decided for.
At the beginning of every year, people take a look at themselves and their lives and make resolutions.
They promise to save more money, lose the weight and to get healthy.
Many people don’t stick to them. Gyms are full to capacity throughout January then the numbers of treadmill users dwindles and just the die-hards are left.
This year I made some big goals. Like…huge.
I set out to make 2012 my year. I plan to run 12 races around the Southern California area. The races can be anywhere between 5k-10k and either road or trail will do. I’ll even throw in a mud race, too.
My reward for achieving this will be to plan a trip to Kona, Hawaii in 2013 to run an annual race there and to give myself a little break. It’s rare that I take time for myself and get away. But I feel it’s appropriate for the size of the goal I’m setting out to accomplish in 2012.
Follow my journey on my new blog Running With A Purpose.
Green 10k - HB 2011