Stress Fracture

Stress:

  1. A physiologic reaction by an organism to an uncomfortable or unfamiliar physical or psychological stimulus. Biological changes result from stimulation of the sympathetic nervous system, including a heightened state of alertness, anxiety, increased heart rate, and sweating.
  2. The stimulus or circumstance causing such a reaction.

Stress, it is something we all deal with on a regular basis. There is eustress and distress. Life is balance of these two things, the good and bad, the positive and the negative.

But what happens when a sensitive system (like myself) has a heightened amount of both the positive and negative? Heightened so much that they practically cancel each other out and life is just a sea of constant change and heightened emotional static?

I’m unfortunately finding out what it means to be thrust into the cold waters of the unknown.

I’m under a lot of pressure, both for good changes that I can’t believe are happening and I’m super excited for but also for the bad things, the ones where I wake up and don’t want to leave my bed for fear of what lies ahead.

I can feel all of this noise and interference throughout my day, the static of my brain unable to stop processing both the positive and the negative that surrounds me constantly. It’s like walking around with headphones on; the left one is playing a steady stream of white noise while the right one plays a constant flow of exciting instrumental songs. There is no reprieve. It’s constant and suffocating.

Underneath the noise and the insistent interference is a steady foundation blossoming. I’m finding that I am a strong person and I’m learning how to build my life, my faith, my views based on what I believe. Not on what I was taught to believe and not on what I was lead to feel. But instead on what I know is true.

Sounds wonderfully existential and mature, right? Well I wouldn’t describe it as such. It’s more painful and unsettling. To find that everything you held dear is no longer something to trust is devastating. And even though I’ve chosen to wipe away all I know and rebuild based on what I want to believe, it’s bittersweet.

Growth is wonderful in hindsight but painful to go through. Pain doesn’t even begin to properly describe the feelings and thoughts swirling within me everyday. And when I say everyday, I’m not being melodramatic. It is constant and tiring.

I could be a bigger person and look at the bright side only. I could see all I’m learning and the tools I’m gaining in the wake of this storm. Instead I can’t help but cling to all I thought I knew as it dies within my arms.

Some days I am the bigger person and I readily take all that I’m learning and I’m happy for it. And thankfully I have someone to be happy with. And then there are other days when I’m not so strong and my frightened inner child is fearful and dreading the unknown. On these days I shut down and hold fast to that someone in hopes we survive the onslaught.

I’m tired. Tired beyond my bones and deeply saddened. I just want a break, a little reprieve from the waves crashing against me. I know I’ll survive because that’s what I am, a survivor. I just can’t help but wonder what the damage will cost. 

For now I can only take a step forward and hope there is solid ground beneath my outstretched foot and that a new fracture doesn’t appear as I rest my weary soles.

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