Floating

Sigh…

I have no direction right now. And I hate it.

I seem to have strayed or lost sight of the path I was on and for the time being I’m in this weird gray limbo, caught between my reality and my possible futures.

I feel like a balloon that was once tethered securely and lovingly when SNIP! My string was cut and now I’m afloat through the clouds and sky without direction and guided only by the wind and its whims.

This feeling sucks. At least that’s how I feel about it. While some might focus on the lack of necessity and the ability to choose in the moment what I need or what I want to do and the freedom that comes from both, my stomach is a churning cauldron of nerves and anxiety, bubbling up as I turn over and stir the possibilities and what ifs.

I want to know where I’m going and when I’m supposed to get there. Having this information gives me what I need to know to prepare and what I need to do right now. Alas, this is not in the forecast. I’m afforded no more than a slight breeze as I float aimlessly. I’m without proper information and it seems I’ll be this way for some time.

And thinking back on my personality as a school girl, I was that child that hated opened ended projects in school. I liked a timeline, a due date, a structure to it all. I wanted to know how much time I had to waste and what was expected of me to pass. That child in me is confused, now. I’m lost and wandering capriciously, worried I’m wasting too much time before the big project is due and I’ll be unprepared when I’m finally told what I need to have completed and when it’s all expected to be turned in.

I also hate to rush. Especially the big things. And right now, as my nerves unravel and my bored mind wanders, I feel as if I’m walking through a minefield, waiting for the POP! of a ticking bomb and the unexpected explosion that will send me reeling, unprepared and confused, running in any direction for safety.

I just want some direction. A little guidance. Maybe even a tidbit of knowledge about my maybe futures.

I can’t float here forever. At least I hope not…

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