The Contrarian

It’s not easy having an opinion that differs from the vast majority.

It’s even worse when that vast majority is your family and the soon-to-be in-law family.

I’ve lived my young life being myself and that meant a lot of disagreeing. When it was suggested my son had oppositional defiance disorder, I laughed. It made sense because that seemed to be a theme of mine growing up. I argued almost anything and most of the time it was never intentional.

Arguing to me was like breathing: involuntary and necessary.

As I grew into my adult skin, I’ve learned to curb my natural tenancies to disagree. I’ve learned to silence my natural inclination to debate everything. I can now listen to what others have to say without thinking of ways to debate it.

What can I say? I’ve matured.

But the inclination is still there. It’s deep within my spirit to disagree and I find myself doing so when I feel trapped. Backed into a corner over a situation I can’t find comfort in, I lash out and make room to escape with my sharp tongue and my opposing opinion.

Recently, I’ve been more argumentative than usual and it’s because I’ve found myself on the path to joining my life with another in the foreseeable future. This idea in and of itself is wonderful and I can’t wait for the planning and discussions to be done and for it to be official. But the idea of hosting/paying for a larger than life event for a single day to celebrate has been a major cause of stress and anxiety.

If I struggled in my younger years with defiance and opposition, then I’m wallowing in it now. But there is a catch…I’m not purposely doing it to defy any one person, I’m honestly against something I feel is not in my best interest.

And yet, when the option of not having some garish, over-priced party that I’m truly against is mentioned, I’m admonished for considering it. That in some way, my wish to save money and put it towards my future life and family instead of a few hours of dancing and drinks is an awful idea and I’m an awful person for considering.

Bad reluctant bride-to-be, bad!

And then I’m left stuck in a corner, the weight and pressure of family and friends opinions pressing against me and I find myself speaking out of turn and with a note of defiance. Everything I’ve done to confine this part of me is slow working its way out. I don’t think people are ready for this side of me.

The contrarian is slowly surfacing and I have a feeling it’ll get worse before it gets better.

Let’s just hope I don’t cut of my nose to spite my face. Or that I don’t alienate myself from my future family. Or even my own family…

Sigh…

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