Three Ring Circus

Weddings, I can take ’em or leave ’em.

I tend to have good experiences when I go to a wedding but I never walk away from one totally stunned and in awe. Maybe because to me it’s a big party and I’m good with a small get-together with close friends. I don’t need the whole glitz and glamor of a full shin-dig with tablecloths that match the napkins and centerpieces that cost WAY more than most know.

Weddings, they’re ok.

Now my opinion has changed. It changed because, I, myself, am having a wedding.

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Yes my very own wedding. And now weddings are a complete pain in the ass.

I feel like a tightrope walker in a big top circus. A big three ring circus with a thin wire strung from side to side with no net underneath! There are rings of fire to jump through and a lion on the ground snatching at me in the hopes I fall to the ground so he can have an early lunch.

I don’t want to be his lunch! I very much don’t want to come crashing down so I cling to this wire with my toes curled tightly around it making the smallest of baby steps. I’m moving, but slowly. Very very slowly.

For every step forward I make, I take a moment to stop and catch my balance. For every decision I make, I sit on it before making another. There are no easy choices because everything is coming from our pockets. From our son’s college fund. From our future travel plans.

I’m planning a party with our future. And this bugs me to no end. Each time I make a move, I breathe deeply and push past the feelings of unease rising up as I mistakenly look down and see how far up I am and how thin this damn wire is.

Nothing is taken lightly and I’m probably way over thinking it. But, to be honest, I never wanted to be a tightrope walker! I agreed to this job because, well, I am in love with my guy and he is my future. I plan to get married only once so why not celebrate?

I’m very excited about the marriage aspect and feel very confident that in rough times we’ll weather it together and in great times we’ll enjoy every moment by each others’ sides. This part I have no issue with. I’m ready to be married and to be a wife. To call him husband.

I’d be happy with a small party and a simple dress. And honestly, my frugal side is still angry with me at ditching this plan. But another side of me thinks that celebrating this day with the family and friends in our lives is pretty important so why not give it a go and throw this over-rated, way over-priced shin-dig.

I’ll grumble and get pissy throughout the process and I may kick and scream as I cut another check for unnecessary costs like flower arrangements and cake cutting or insurance. Ha… a day so “important” it needs to be insured…Oi…

But I’ll be there, all shiny and anxious, to walk toward my future and be together with him. My friends and family will surround us and then we’ll exchange our words of commitment to each other, kiss and be one. Dancing will commence alongside our closest and dearest and many, many beautiful pictures will be taken.

Then it’ll be over. And we’ll be married. Settled. Secure. A team united by our comfort in silence together, our ability to finish each others’ sentences, and our deep commitment towards our family, both present and future.

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