No Words

I haven’t had a lot to say lately. Or I have but I haven’t really taken the time to sit and write them out. Things have been busy as life usually is. Plus, the words I need to get out hadn’t formed yet and as I write this, they are still winding their way together to convey what’s going on.

While nothing out of the norm is happening in our day-to-day lives, there is an undercurrent of a general malaise. Which is not fun to feel, especially when you can’t put a finger on its exact origin. And after awhile, that sunken feeling gets worse and it affects other areas of your life till you are suddenly feeling low and can’t pull yourself out.

I guess I could say that things are sliding into a routine, so much so that we are forgetting to take time and make each other feel special. And as one area of our life slips, another loses its hold and falls, too. Like a chain of dominos stacked so studiously, it only takes one to topple them all.

I stopped going to the gym. I felt needed at home and unable to tear away for even a moment of me time to make sure everyone else was taken care of. To make sure dinner was made and homework was complete. To be the one to rub or scratch the backs and to ensure all the soap or shampoo was rinsed off after bath time.

Knowing this was happening, I tried to replace it with other things like making sure I dressed nicer and wore make-up. Little things to fill the gap that my dropped gym time had made.

Turns out it didn’t matter what I filled the hole with. It seems that this one component can’t be replaced and my lacking fitness routine is taking its toll on my relationships. My son is doing better in getting all his work done and, for the most part, there is a hot meal ready each night. The house routines are coming together but instead of feeling accomplished, I get the feeling that that one glaring gap is overshadowing all the good I’m doing.

I could cook a gourmet meal everyday and I could fold every piece of laundry and have all the homework completed after a full day of work and yet, if I can’t carve out time to make it to the gym, it all means nothing. I claw and make my way through my day and do everything I can to make sure everyone else in my house is taken care of and yet, it’s not good enough.

My efforts aren’t good enough.

I’m not good enough.

When I realize this and that all my responses in this one area are heard as excuses or taken as laziness, I start to sink into a sad little place where I question myself and I feel taken for granted. Lazy? Do I really come off as lazy?

It hurts to realize that the strings attached to you are now slipping and cutting off your air supply, making it difficult to breathe. And it doesn’t help that when your breath is caught up trying to escape, no words can make it out either. So you sputter and reach for something but there isn’t much you can do. You’re stuck wound up in the web of expectations around you that hold you back instead of encourage you to improve.

With all that I’m struggling with right now, I need to find a way to dig down and focus on me. Love me no matter what form I choose to do that in. Whether it’s getting a hair cut or spending time with girl friends or making a date with my son to just be with him. Or going on a run or taking an art class. Something that is just mine.

Lately I’ve found my way into books again and I’ve enjoyed the peace that comes with losing myself in the words and stories woven by brilliant authors. That may be why it’s taken me so long to write anything down. I’m too busy soaking up words instead of creating them, myself.

Either way, this is where my peace is right now. There is so much change in my life from small to large, earth shaking movements that shutting out reality for a brief moment to soak in the words of H.G. Wells or Jane Austen is my way of recentering. It’s very anti-social but it’s what I’ve needed lately. And I need to accept that it’s what I need at this time. Already feeling judge harshly by outside influences, I need not be another voice in the din. I must stop judging myself so harshly, love myself and find something positive about me.

When that happens, when I’m finally able to shut the world out and tell myself I’m pretty awesome, then the other pieces will fall into place.

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