Time To Fake It

“Why are you sad, mom?”

My son hit me with this question this morning out of left field. Lucky for me, I was chopping an onion at that exact moment so I could blame my tears on the pungent scent wafting at me from the cutting board. But his astute observation made me realize that I was no longer doing a good job at hiding how I’m feeling lately.

And how am I feeling? Well to be quite frank I’m feeling miserable. I’m stuck in a hole that’s just deep enough to keep me contained while still being able to see the sunlight just above me. I’m frustrated and angry but still stuck.

I fall into this hole every couple of months when I realize I spend most of my day doing something I honestly dislike. Most of the time I can list the positive things about it and move on. I’ll go along, all fine and dandy, then I’ll get to a point when I trip into this hole where all the positive vibes wear off and suddenly I’m no longer able to mask my feelings.

When this happens I become a wild cat caught in a corner. I lash out, I claw at my surroundings, and just panic emotionally. Logic and reason fly out the window and I respond to life by shutting down and shutting out those around me.

It ain’t pretty and it’s probably not healthy but it’s my way of coping. In the end, after I’ve thrashed about and cried a good amount, I will suck it up and just deal with the hand I’ve been dealt. This is life, this is what being an adult means. Sacrifice, acceptance, doing what you don’t want to do for the sake of keeping everyone else happy and healthy.

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