I crossed the finish line so many times, and every time
he was there.
To urge me faster, to cheer me on.
He was there.
Maybe I asked to much. Maybe I did too little
but another finish line came into view
and he wasn’t there anymore.
He wasn’t there.
The crowds cheered and people smiled,
but my eyes searched for the one face I wanted to see.
The one face that meant the most to me
and he wasn’t there.
From here on out, I’m on my own.
I asked too much and listened too little.
I sealed my own fate
and now I walk alone.
On my own.
Along time ago, I was a teacher. I wore my keys around my neck, had pencils in my hair, and I spent my lunch break planning lessons and creating new ways to get my students to understand fractions and proper grammar.
Teaching is my passion. A career that’s both amazing and frustrating at the same time. And when I saw the door shutting on my dreams to have my own classroom and my own students, my heart broke. The lights dimmed and I considered my teaching future ended.
I’m still in that frame of mind. While I’ve kept up my credential and I’m still fully compliant, I haven’t stepped into a classroom as an educator in over 5 years. For the past 5 years I’ve been sitting behind a desk toiling away so that my son could go to school and play soccer and have health insurance and a secured future. A sacrifice that was necessary.
While my job is still secure and going nowhere, lately I’ve been feeling the itch to start over. To refresh my life. And I’ve slowly started to open up the files and folders that held the contents of my teaching career. It’s like removing the bandaid over a wound that took a long time to heal to see the shiny scar staring back at you. It’s all in the past, the rejection and the pain. What’s left is a tiny reminder of where you’ve been and what happened to your dreams. It no longer hurts, the wound has ceased to hurt. But when touched, it feels tender.
I’m not completely ready to jump into teaching full time again and thanks to my many years off and my lack of letters recommendations that are current, I wouldn’t be able to even if I tried. If I decide to wander back into teaching I’d have to start from the bottom as a substitute and take day to day jobs to build up my experience. The classroom has changed a lot since I was in one.
But now that I’m married and our income is secured by a second person under our roof, this is now more of a possibility than just a passing whimsy. I could teach again. Maybe…
Now to work past the fears of letting go of what I’ve known for almost 6 years so that I can reach out across the great unknown and grasp at any opportunity to fulfill my wish to teach. There are many more steps to take and I have months until I’m able to even apply.
But removing the bandaid is a start.