The Great Malaise

Ever get the feeling your skin doesn’t fit, nothing is right, and everything is wrong? But, when logically considered, all is right with the world and you actually have no complaints? It’s like feeling ill but having no fever or symptoms to prove you aren’t well, instead you just feel like the color grey: not black or white, just in between and void of any characteristics that make you stand out.

My life right now has a very mellow shade of grey hanging over it. I can’t tell if I’ve brought it on myself (which I acknowledge I’m wholly capable of doing) or if some outside force is wreaking havoc on my view of things. If something has painted my rose colored glasses a dingy color to dull my view of the world around me. Things seem blah.

I blame myself, as always. I can’t seem to handle the changes in our lives and for some reason I’m bringing the whole ship down with me. I know I’m not the only one feeling this deep sense of malaise. The contagion has spread and affected those around me and we’re all feeling a little under the weather, emotionally. Sensations aren’t as heightened and happiness seems to be hiding. Instead of feeling joy and anger, everything just feel… meh.

But this is life. The ups and downs and how we adjust to them. How we muddle through the crap and celebrate the good. We’ve been riding high for so long that I forgot what it was like to hit the bottom and scrape along looking for a morsel of joy. And I’m hoping this is the bottom and that I have no where else go but up from here.

The biggest issue is figuring out what is causing this malaise. I know I’m down (and I’ll refrain from using “depressing” or “depression” because that’s more than just a feeling, that’s a diagnoses) but I’m not sure what’s causing it. Could it be the expectations I feel that have been placed on me? Or the expectations I’ve placed on myself? Could it be the uncertain times ahead that, for some, trigger excitement at the unknown but for me trigger anxiety? Who knows right now. It could be anything and everything. Either way, I’m feeling down and lost and very much alone.

For now, I’ve taken the first step: I’ve acknowledged that there is a problem. And from here on out I just need to work through it with care and kindness for myself and without judgment.

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