Dream Away

Dream away with me.
Tell me things that aren’t true,
and make me believe.
Sell me on cotton candy clouds
and silver castles
and moonbeams made of tears.

Dream away with me.
Make the velvet sky of night
wrap around my smiling face
and pretend that life is as bright
as the stars between my eyes and
that everything will be alright.

Take me away
and help me forget
that life is a series of
dull Facts and Details.
Make me promises that we’ll never keep
but that we’ll always be able to come back to
when the days are dreary and
Life gets too involved.

Let’s close our eyes and dream away the day
and make-believe that life is fuller and more
Magical
in our bed of sheets and blankets and pillows.
Let us dream away…

Improved But Not New

Ever wake up one morning and realize nothing has changed magically over night? That you are the same person in the morning as you were when you went to sleep?

Yeah, I bet anyone can because that’s pretty much what happens every time you lay your head against the cool side of the pillow and drift off. You wake up the same as you were the night before and the night before that.

I had this feeling a lot lately. I’d been waking up with the same issues and worries each morning that I fall asleep thinking about just the night before. My dreams were plagued with nightmares and scenarios played out as my subconscious works through what ever was bothering me.

And somewhere inside my heart, somewhere the little girl in me imagined that if I could just squeeze my eyes shut as tight as I could, I would magically wake up the next morning to find I’m a completely different person. That all my worries and troubles would be gone and I’d be a whole new woman with nothing to fret over.

But it didn’t happen. And no amount of eye -squenching as I drifted off to sleep fixed this problem. I would go to bed with worries circling my mind and wake up dragging, tired, and fighting to stay awake as the same issues bombarded me throughout the day.

Until recently.

Recently I’ve been spending more time with The Guy. Staying at his place whether he’s home or in class and doing some rather domestic things like organizing the bills and picking up around the place, cooking dinner and folding the clothes. Our laundry has effortlessly combined into one communal pile of dirty socks and underwear. My son’s books now rest in a wicker basket along side a handful of game system remotes. Our shoes line up together in a solid row of blacks and whites and blues.

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Somehow, over time, we’ve melded into a family unit without much thought or conscious planning. It just kinda…happened. And in doing so and staying there regularly, I find myself falling asleep peacefully on what’s now my side of the bed while he builds his pillow fortress around him on his side of the bed. Upon sleeping, I rarely dream and I wake up without a worry in the morning.

It doesn’t last long as the day kicks into full gear with lunch making and bartering with my son about getting dressed and what he’ll eat for breakfast. But still, I’m waking up feeling a general improvement over my thoughts and my heart each morning.

That’s when I realize what I’ve done. I’m metamorphosized.

The anguish and frustration, the clawing and the caterwauling as I painfully made my way from the young lady to a full fledged woman has paid off. I’ve survived, I’ve made it through some of the toughest moments I’ve ever faced and found myself able to stand through it all.

Not just standing. I’m up and stronger than I ever imagined I could be. I’m proud of who I’ve become.

And, in all that turmoil, I’ve found someone who loves me just as I am. He loves me when I’m on my feet, strong and certain. He even loves me when I’m huddled against the driving rain and winds, when times get tough.

To have found such an honest connection, a true bond of faith, trust and common hopes is something I never understood or considered having. Maybe something I never thought I deserved or even wanted. Instead something I feared because I didn’t think I was capable of blending with someone else without losing a large part of myself.

Whatever I thought an adult partnership to be or whatever I had before this with another person, it was never as big or as wonderful as what I have now. It wasn’t as demanding or yet so satisfying. It never had these depths of compassion or understanding and never the heights of laughter and devotion. It was never roomy enough for growth and the inevitable change that comes over time.

I was so afraid before this, thinking I could never be strong enough, I could never amount to much more than I was before. Little did I know all that growing and all those painful learning experiences would lead to this: a love full of passion, understanding, and acceptance.

I’m not done growing yet. I still have much to learn and experience. But I’m not alone, and that’s ok with me.

For the first time in my life, I willingly give up my lonely and independent lifestyle for something a little more accommodating. Something a little more interdependent.

A loving us and an improved me.

Distractions

I don’t like to bury my feelings. I live with my heart on my sleeve and with every emotion at hand. This is me. It’s who I am, take it or leave it.

When I’m in love, the world is bright and beautiful and all that I see is perfect. When I hurt, I feel the range of emotions associated with an injury from rage to regret and despair.

When times are bad I cope with it by distracting myself. Finding something to do, something to sink into so that I can put everything I’m feeling into it.

A place to send my mind so that I stop myself from traveling down the path of unanswered questions. A project to busy my hands and thoughts. To keep me from thinking the what ifs and to keep me from feeling any regrets.

I find myself falling into the words on a page and living in the reality between the covers of the books on my shelf. Music fills the air in my home and private concerts are imagined in my living room.

Sweat pours from me, expelling the pain and anger as I push my muscles to exhaustion. I run until my legs wobble and I am no longer able to tell the difference between the salty drops of sweat and the trails of tears racing down my face.

And just when I’ve distracted myself enough to think that everything is good and I’m happy again, a song will play and the voice of my child will ring out, reminding me that this was a friend’s song and that he remembered hearing it for the first time as we watched a movie together, all three of us.

Together.

As he remembers happily this memory, my heart surges with the feelings that surface along with what I worked so hard to force to the back of my mind. To distract myself from. And as the vocals swirl around my head and I hear his little voice sing the chorus in all his beautiful pureness, I close my eyes and send up a moment of thanks for the beauty that we had.

I can’t be angry forever at the things I can’t control. At the twists and turns my life has taken. At the future that has not even happened yet.

All that is asked of me is to do my best today.

And so I will.

Either Or

I live in a world with definite boundaries.

I am an either or kinda girl.

There is no space for grey area. It’s either black or white.

No middle ground.

I realize, as I read what I’m typing, that this is purely ridiculous and completely goes against my open heart and mind personality.

Because in reality, I live in world that consists of colors and shapes. Nothing fits perfectly. There are no rigid or hard boundaries. Everything just flows and molds and shapes into everything else. This is life, true life.

It’s us humans that try to find form and function in all we see. We look and see chaos and quickly tie it up with laws and rules. We define what is right or wrong. We create whole religions and belief systems to have a better grip on the reality around us.

I’ve been so caught up in my anger and grief, in my lack of understanding of how completely turned around I am that I’m grasping at strings to tie up the chaos around me. I’m searching for answers that I will never find and lacking in the ability to see that things will happen as they should and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

Either…or… This is how it’s been and how I see it.

But maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong to believe in either or. Maybe, just maybe, I need to see the grey areas and believe that there could be possibilities but that I can’t count on them to happen.

Just maybe I need to soften my shoulders, cry a little bit and then begin to live this new life I find myself standing in the middle of. A life with freedom and choices. A life where my wants and needs are taken care of and where I get to enjoy the things I cherish most. A new book. An early bedtime. Watching the same movie over and over. Listening to classical music while I share jokes and laugh with my son.

Where the air smells of pumpkin spices and autumn baking. Where a white candle for balance, a rose quartz stone for love and a cleansing sage bundle sit together.

Maybe, just maybe, I need to live this life today and not think of tomorrow.

And not worry right now with the either and the or.

Daily Affirmation – I Am Lovable

Self-Worth

I am lovable.

I have the right to be who I am.

I have worth. Just by being a piece of the Divine come to Earth.

Every day in every way I’m getting better and better.

What I want and need and like and dislike is important and okay.

I am kind and loving, and I have a great deal to share with others.

I am talented, intelligent, and creative.

I am a dynamic, resourceful person.

I deserve the very best in life.

I have a lot to offer and everyone recognizes it.

I love the world and the world loves me.

I am not alone; the Divine is with me always.

I am whole and complete in myself.

I love and appreciate myself just as I am.

I accept all my feelings as part of me.

I am inherently lovable.

I am inherently sacred.

I am a very beautiful person.

I appreciate my sensitivity and honesty.

I love and accept myself completely as I am.

I like myself and that’s what counts.

I am a powerful, loving, and creative being.

I deserve all the good things in life.

As much as I can, I will live authentically. That is all I need do.

I accept myself completely here and now.

I am good enough. I am more than good enough.

I am okay just the way I am. The Divine made me good enough for Her!

I love myself and accept myself unconditionally.

I love myself completely as I am, and I’m getting better all the time.

I am valuable, and valued. I am lovable, and loved.

I am powerful and I am loved.

Daily Affirmations – Self-Worth