It rings, tirelessly.
I know what it means.
Another day, another thought
another endless procession of meaningless
My thoughts swirl and swim
cloudy and partially formed.
They crowd and bump into each other
causing a massive jam-up of
The Good float through and mix with
a sullen murkiness muddles the view
(on look! A list to-do has mangled with my future Dreams
tangled together so I don’t know if I need to buy eggs
a House with a garden!) and I’m blinded by the
If only I could have one thought at a time,
one worry before another forms.
If only I could control and maintain my concepts
of Grief and Love in
then I could go on with my day.
I feel as if I’m in a cloud.
A dense fog that shrouds my thoughts and makes it tough for me to think.
Maybe it was a simple glance or a smile. The brushing of my skin or the knowing words that filled in the empty spaces. Or the way it felt when I walked away, like I was being memorized. Soaked in.
But the attention blurred my vision and caused me to lose my sights.
I’m lost in a cloudy mess that has me spinning in circles till I fall, grounded to the solid earth beneath me. My head reels and my eyes close. I don’t know if I’m here or there.
I wish it was easy to ignore. I wish I was stronger, able to avoid these feelings. This loss of balance. I can wish all day that none of it affected me, that I had a cold steel heart beneath my pounding blood and my shifting muscles. I could do it, continue to try, but nothing would come of it. I’ll always have this heart, this open beating heart that loves to the depth and the breadth of the biggest seas. And shatters into a million pieces when broken.
Instead I search for the sun. For the skies that hide behind the cloudy veil that has been cast around me, keeping the horizon from view.