Corners of My Mind

in the middle of the night

awake

a film of sweat covers my limbs.

hugs the line of hair on my neck, curls tangled together

 

i remember my dream.

 

the mess of blankets and intertwined limbs.

of wants.

desire.

needs.

Of hands and fingers laced and gripped

tight

holding together as a breath slips between lips.

between us.

i close my eyes, wish away the feelings

dredged up from the forgotten vault of my heart.

and sleep returns.

i wake in the early morn,

bells ringing. sun rising.

dreams still on the tip of my tongue.

i taste them.

i see them

waiting

as i brush my teeth,

while i pack our lunches.

i’m distracted by their presence.

their dark soft colors.

the moans and sighs.

deeply.

driving my morning commute

they sit beside me

riding along.

all day i remember.

the tides of the past

flooding,

taunting,

shadows of what was.

of what is no longer.

i can’t tell if I want to remember these things.

if i want to sit back and enjoy the past

or if i want to push them under the rug.

to chew a sprig of parsley

to cleanse

rid me of these

memories.

to drink of a cup of tea

warm and purifying

and wash away the feelings of

remorse

regret.

lust…

and yet, there they sit

in the corners of my mind.

fresh.

distracting.

present throughout my day.

these memories of the flesh

passion embodied.

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Nightmares

In my dreams, I fight for my life.

I kick, scream, bite, tear and beat at the life in front of me to survive.

I take a life to save my own. Only to have it repeat, night after night.

Why am I fighting so hard to live? What in my day to day reality is so draining that in my dreams I fight to take another breath?

The blood and tears choke me. The fear that it may never end, this battle to live, consume me.

I fight for myself. I fight to defend my beliefs. I fight to protect my son.

I am a soldier without armor fighting a never ending battle against a foe that will not die.

A foe I do not know how to defeat.