Press Pause!

Stop! Everything just stop for one god damn minute!!!

I know this is a ridiculous request but I feel like my world is spinning out of control and I have no way of slowing things down so I can just make a quick list of what the hell is going on then put things into motion again.

Kinda like playing a game. When things get too much or you lose sight of your objective, you can press pause and make a note, check your positioning, then you hit play and the game goes on.

But this is life, it’s not a game. And I’m completely lost. There is so much going on I feel like I’m in the middle of a storm that has no end in sight.

First there is the loan process. We’re applying for a home loan and the steps taken just to get that started has been migraine inducing. Then there is the timing. We have a lease till June and we’d like to buy a house to move into so we can’t look too soon or too late. Too soon and we’ll be stuck with double payments or breaking a lease. Too late and we’ll have to find temporary living quarters. So when it the right time to look? I feel the strain of being stuck in limbo and the pressure is making the migraine in progress get worse.

Now for the kidlet. He’s been struggling and fighting against school work. So we’re changing things up. A sitter is going to come to our house and take care of him and help him with homework instead of him going to daycare. This will give him someone to work with in the comfort of his own home. We hope to see some positive outcomes from this. Although it’s a great move, it makes me nervous. We’re saying goodbye to a center that is always open and always there and relying just on one person to make sure she arrives on time to take care of him. I don’t feel that she wouldn’t, we’ve interviewed her and feel good with our choice, but I feel like my safety net has been removed beneath this tightrope I’ve been walking.

On top of that, the kidlet asked to be in baseball this season. A sport neither his dad nor I play. Well, we were very unprepared when we heard that we are committed to two practices a week and two games, one weekday and one weekend. Huh?! How in the hell are we supposed to fit this in?! So now we’re scrambling (at least it feels like we are) to figure this new twist into our already busy week.

I could cry… And I have. My emotions seem to be sitting on the surface and I get teary without much provocation. Watching a show, I cry. Reading a book, I tear up. Playing a video game, I choke back my sobs. The stress and swirling madness that is our life right now seems to be weighing on me heavily and I can’t find a calm place to rest my mind and detach from all the changes and the big life questions we have in front of us to just breathe and recenter myself.

And the worst part is that I don’t feel I have time or the availability to really get everything out. I don’t have an outlet. Even my running isn’t defusing the issue. I run and put all my hurt and sadness and frustrations and anger on the pavement. I’ll feel a little relief but it lasts a few hours then I’m back to square one feeling shitty and overwhelmed.

Deep breaths. Loud music. Quiet reading time. Lots of water and less junk food. I’m taking all these steps to alleviate my frustrations and sometimes it works. Most times it doesn’t.

I’d just like a break…


Down The Rabbit Hole

Have you ever had a task that required a to-do list? One that had steps in which you take one then another in an ordered fashion? Where number one had to be done before number two and without this order of events, nothing would come together just right?

Planning a wedding requires a certain sense of organization and order. You have to start from the big details then work your way down to the finer points. You start with some colors and a theme, get a general idea of what you want and what you see, then you start searching out locations and venues that fulfill all that you envisioned for your big day.

It’s a pyramid but tipped up on its end, starting with the big picture and working its way down to the details till you reach the finest point at the bottom wherein you have created a precise replica of what you saw in your mind.

Most people of a certain age have been to weddings and have seen that exact pinpoint of details all meshed together to create a cohesive event. The flowers and colors and centerpieces all flow together and create an overall feeling of togetherness. What they don’t see is the  trail of paperwork and planning that goes into the overall feel of a Big Day.

They haven’t fallen down the rabbit hole. This downward spiraling dark tunnel that banks left then right, twisting and turning till you are head down, facing backwards and your pockets are empty of all your money.

Yes…planning a wedding is like tumbling through a long tunnel with no end in sight. You pick your venue, then comes the list of preferred vendors from which you pick other things like a caterer, florist, musicians and a host of other people you never knew existed till it came time to say I Do.

And each vendor has a list of packages and requirements, each of them vastly different from the next. Some require very little while others have a laundry list of dos and don’ts. It’s mind boggling how much shit must be picked through, decided on, and organized just to throw a wedding.

As we make a one decision, 3 more must then be considered. After that, you feel accomplished! I did it! I made a decision on the color of the napkins! But wait! Do you want personalized? Monogrammed? Paper or linen? Will they match the tablecloth? Or the overlay? Wait…what the hell is an overlay!?

The details send us spiraling further downward, casting us up against rock after rock, in between numerous hard spots and tight spaces. Must hit this deadline! Oh look, a sharp corner! Don’t toe that line or you’ll miss an opportunity.

The only thing I hold out for as I tumble through this dark labyrinth of decision and choices is that there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. That light will be the smile as I walk down the aisle towards my best friend. Not many people get to be so lucky.

Not everyone gets to marry their best friend from the second grade.