Distractions

I don’t like to bury my feelings. I live with my heart on my sleeve and with every emotion at hand. This is me. It’s who I am, take it or leave it.

When I’m in love, the world is bright and beautiful and all that I see is perfect. When I hurt, I feel the range of emotions associated with an injury from rage to regret and despair.

When times are bad I cope with it by distracting myself. Finding something to do, something to sink into so that I can put everything I’m feeling into it.

A place to send my mind so that I stop myself from traveling down the path of unanswered questions. A project to busy my hands and thoughts. To keep me from thinking the what ifs and to keep me from feeling any regrets.

I find myself falling into the words on a page and living in the reality between the covers of the books on my shelf. Music fills the air in my home and private concerts are imagined in my living room.

Sweat pours from me, expelling the pain and anger as I push my muscles to exhaustion. I run until my legs wobble and I am no longer able to tell the difference between the salty drops of sweat and the trails of tears racing down my face.

And just when I’ve distracted myself enough to think that everything is good and I’m happy again, a song will play and the voice of my child will ring out, reminding me that this was a friend’s song and that he remembered hearing it for the first time as we watched a movie together, all three of us.

Together.

As he remembers happily this memory, my heart surges with the feelings that surface along with what I worked so hard to force to the back of my mind. To distract myself from. And as the vocals swirl around my head and I hear his little voice sing the chorus in all his beautiful pureness, I close my eyes and send up a moment of thanks for the beauty that we had.

I can’t be angry forever at the things I can’t control. At the twists and turns my life has taken. At the future that has not even happened yet.

All that is asked of me is to do my best today.

And so I will.

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Either Or

I live in a world with definite boundaries.

I am an either or kinda girl.

There is no space for grey area. It’s either black or white.

No middle ground.

I realize, as I read what I’m typing, that this is purely ridiculous and completely goes against my open heart and mind personality.

Because in reality, I live in world that consists of colors and shapes. Nothing fits perfectly. There are no rigid or hard boundaries. Everything just flows and molds and shapes into everything else. This is life, true life.

It’s us humans that try to find form and function in all we see. We look and see chaos and quickly tie it up with laws and rules. We define what is right or wrong. We create whole religions and belief systems to have a better grip on the reality around us.

I’ve been so caught up in my anger and grief, in my lack of understanding of how completely turned around I am that I’m grasping at strings to tie up the chaos around me. I’m searching for answers that I will never find and lacking in the ability to see that things will happen as they should and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it.

Either…or… This is how it’s been and how I see it.

But maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong to believe in either or. Maybe, just maybe, I need to see the grey areas and believe that there could be possibilities but that I can’t count on them to happen.

Just maybe I need to soften my shoulders, cry a little bit and then begin to live this new life I find myself standing in the middle of. A life with freedom and choices. A life where my wants and needs are taken care of and where I get to enjoy the things I cherish most. A new book. An early bedtime. Watching the same movie over and over. Listening to classical music while I share jokes and laugh with my son.

Where the air smells of pumpkin spices and autumn baking. Where a white candle for balance, a rose quartz stone for love and a cleansing sage bundle sit together.

Maybe, just maybe, I need to live this life today and not think of tomorrow.

And not worry right now with the either and the or.

Sheets

Yesterday, I bought myself some sheets.

New sheets, bundled in plastic.

Folded.

Neatly Perfectly.

These sheets are new, fresh. Untouched.

They’ve never known the heat of bodies, lying together. Dreaming.

Slumbering.

swimming in plans of Tomorrow.

…Together.

They’ve never known the passion and tumbling of love.

The kisses and laughter of

Joy.

These sheets are pristine.

Sheltered.

New and Crisp.

Still tightly packaged, untouched by tears of

Sadness and

grief…

No nightmares have rubbed against the warm velvety newness.

No shattered hearts have been bedded here.

These sheets are mine.

To wedge between on cold nights.

To listlessly lounge in, reading and daydreaming.

To wrap around my future, cuddle tightly against my body

Hugging to me…smelling of dirt and sun.

These sheets…

They promise me nothing but what they can offer.

Warmth Sleep Comfort.

Nothing

more.

Nothing

less.

These sheets are my fresh start.

Making My Way Through

The best way out is always through. ~Robert Frost

I give in.

I always try to put my best foot forward and ignore the signs that I’m unhappy or sad.

Somewhere in my mind I’ve made myself believe that happiness and joy are the only emotions worthy of feeling and anything else is to be bottled up. Kept inside tight and closed. As if I’m a failure for feeling sad and unhappy, angry and spiteful.

But no more. I have earned the right to feel everything even down to the very worst of emotions.

I won’t lie and say I’m fine or that I’m ok. Because I’m not. I’m broken and very hurt.

I won’t take people telling me to cheer up or to be happy. That will come in time. For now, I grieve my losses as the lessons I’ve learned slowly sink in.

As for my son, he needs to see and understand that people are not perfect. That life is a balance between the good and the bad. That it’s ok to be sad, to cry and to be upset. But that our best chance for being the best version of ourselves is to feel everything, learn from them and move forward. To take care of ourselves as a first priority and not to fake happiness for the sake of those around us.

I am sad for now.

I will be happy again because I refuse to live under a dark cloud forever. But I also refuse to ignore my feelings. I will be ok and for now, I will make my way through it just so I can come out the other side wiser and stronger.

The Void

In between love and hate is the void where memories are stored.

There they live forever, happily reenacting the moments and magic that transpired within the bookends of time.

I’m in that void now and it’s with a mixture of feelings that I relive the moments over the past year that have come and gone before me.

There are the sweet memories. The ones that cause your skin to prickle and tingle with that sense of excitement that only a first kiss, a warm hand brushing your lower back, the tender touch in the middle of the night brings. All those firsts that grip your heart and squeeze just a little, making you feel like you are dipping down a speeding roller coaster feeling both anxious and excited to see what is around the next corner.

Then there are the comfortable memories. Ones where the silence stretched between us and nothing needed to be spoken. Nothing needed to be said. The air fit in between the spaces where words usually lingered and instead the cool night air and the music thumping along wrapped around and enveloped the moment in a soft and peaceful blanket of comfort. Those moments when it felt right and nothing else mattered.

The void is filled with memories of different kinds. As just as the sweet memories reside there, so do the painful ones. The memories of broken promises and long nights wondering if the dawn would bring a better view. If the good times were to only last for that split second.

For now I find myself sleepless at night, stuck in the void of memories and questions and waking tired and forlorn. And during the day, throughout my tasks and responsibilities, the void sneaks up and ensnares me.

I can’t take back anything. None of the good or the bad. Everything has happened and nothing can change that. I just have to wade through the void for now, longing for the moment when I’m free…again.

Among The Giants

Back to school. Back to homework and uniforms and brown bag lunches. The summer time is ending and not without one last hurrah. Without one last trip.

A little time in the wilderness is all it takes to make you feel insignificant. To see a tree that’s larger than life and a forest full of marvels can certainly make your problems and your dreams seem so small.

To walk amongst the great giants of nature could, for a while, make you forget all your woes and the broken heart at home within you. Watching the sunlight glint off the leaves hundreds of feet above you makes you lost in the moment, truly inspired by the beauty surrounding you.

And here you find yourself, lost.