Where is the string with which to tie my heart back together?
Even whole, the cracks and bruises of my heart are visible to those around me.
But, it’s the only one I have.
Damaged and all.
There are two primary choices in life; to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them. ~Denis Waitley
Life is the motion between one choice and the next. We step from choice to choice as our days flow beneath us in a steady stream.
Recently, I made a decision that radically changed my life. I took everything that I knew and threw them into the wind. I felt tethered to my decision out of necessity and need.
I felt I had no choice but to pick the path I was about to walk down.
What followed were days and weeks of confusion and frustration. Doubt lingered not far behind and worry that a mistake had been made constantly rose beneath my feet to trip me. I fell quite a few times and on some occasions I found myself struggling to stand back up.
When the road before me grew dark and foreboding, I sat down and felt the urge to give up. Had the choice I made been wrong? Should I have continued with the life I knew? Why did I have to make such a tough choice?
That’s when it hit me. I didn’t have to make any choice. I could have continued the way I was. No one forced me and I was not bound by need. I made the choice because I could. I had the freedom. The choice was all mine.
As I pondered this for a moment, the sun poked through the leaves and the path cleared before me. The moment I took responsibility for my choices, as tough as they were, my soul was lightened. I could plainly see that I was doing what was best for me and that I had made the decision to change things because I wanted to, not because I had to.
I wanted what was best for me. I wanted a better path. I wanted freedom and love.
I wanted to be exactly where I am now.
Change is never easy.
Even with good change comes with the fear of not knowing and the unexpected. Change brings hope and also uncertainty.
With change comes different phases. At first, change can seem exciting, new and even a bit daring. The freshness of something different is appealing to a lot of people.
Then a little bit of doubt seeps in. The idea of this new and uncertain path makes one rethink a few things. Am I ready? Will I be able to cope? Will this be a bad idea?
Once the doubt settles in and takes its place next to the excitement residing there, the two battle it out. One side promises that everything will be ok while the other crosses their arms and argues that you never know what will happen.
Now it’s time to work on acceptance. To make a choice and put that life altering plan into action or to sit back and wave aside the option to change. A choice to try something different or to stay with the same ol’, same ol’. This is the toughest part because if you can’t accept that moving forward means leaving a few things behind, then you’ll never fully be able to grasp that change is necessary. Even if it is tough.
Photograph by creaTIFF Photography
Once upon a time, I was a mother-to-be. My belly grew as did my excitement to meet my little one. I waited for him and I planned on being the best mother I could. I read books, watched films, and listened to all the advice given to me.
I was once a mother-to-be.
Once upon a time, I became a new mommy. I had a little boy with little feet and big dreams. He was soft and sweet, small and new. It was tiring those first moments when everything was new and different. But I’ll cherish them.
So Tiny And New
I was once a new mommy.
Once upon a time, I turned into a “Mama”. With his sweet voice, his bright smile and his tender laughter that tickled my heart and sent chills down my spine, he soaked up the world with an unending need to learn. Through him, I saw the world anew.
I was once a “Mama”.
Now I’m a mom. I answer the never ending stream of questions about everything. I read the words he is quickly learning. I let him roam freely, taking his once small, delicate infant toes and exploring the world around him with his now large, big boy feet.
Feet Made For Exploring
As I watch him wander and search out new experiences on his own, I miss the cute little toes that curled around my fingers and tucked under my tummy in the middle of the night. I miss the small fists that grasped at my fingers, holding on to the only thing they knew. I miss being his mother-to-be, his new mommy, his mama.
Now I’m a mom. A proud mom at that.
“What is it you really want?”
I was asked this question recently. What seemed like a simple request for a simple answer turned into quite the conundrum.
What did I want?
I took some time and thought this one through because I honestly had no idea what it was I wanted at this point in my life. Then it hit me. I didn’t know what I wanted to do or what I wanted to accomplish in the long run. For the first time in my life I had flexibility. I had no expectations. I had some hopes and wishes but nothing concrete.
Chills ran down my spine and I felt sick to my stomach. What the fuck was I doing wrong? How could I not know what I wanted?
I thought over my life and all the times I had stopped and asked myself what I wanted. When I was 7, I wanted to be a teacher. When I was 12, a babysitter. When I was 17, a professor of comparative literature. When I was 21, I wanted to try everything and do everything. When I was 24, I wanted to settle down.
As I sat there, I laughed over how often my mind had changed and how different each phase of my life was. Each time I learned something new or was in a different place, my wants changed. They rarely stayed the same and rarely returned.
That’s when I realized that no person can continue to want the same thing through each stage of their life. We are always in flux. Our thoughts, our feelings, our beliefs are in constant motion. Everything is like a flowing river, bending and flowing past the shore. So to expect me to want the same things now as I did when I was 7 was ridiculous. And to always know what I wanted was just as silly.
Sometimes, you just have to drift a bit and see what is just beyond the next turn. Holding yourself to the expectation that you will always know what you want is unreasonable. Have faith and allow yourself to just feel out what is your path for the moment. And remember, what you want now will change.
As it always has.
Today I think will be a good day.
Today I know will be better than yesterday or even the day before.
I know because I woke to the sun shinning through my windows, lighting up the walls and air around me.
At first, I was certain I had left the bedroom light on the warm glow was so strong. It had been a long time since I’d woken up to golden streams of light shining through.
When I realized it was the sun greeting me this morning, I took a deep breath and laid there for a second. It was a new day and with it, all of yesterday’s problems melted away. My body felt warm and relaxed in the amber rays as the soft particles of light drifted aimlessly through the quiet air. I was in no hurry to move nor was I in any need to remain.
I had a choice. And I chose to start fresh.
The sun’s fierce greeting this morning was a happy reminder that once a day is done, it will never have to be relived. Each day is new and I chose to take advantage of this clean slate.
Sometimes I wonder who I’ve pissed off.
What evil thing did I do to incur the wrath of the universe?
As of late I find I can’t get a break. A cosmic break. The amount of things I’m emotionally dealing with is at an all time high and I’m constantly wondering “How will I get through this?”
And it is coming at me from all sides: issues that bring up my past choices, problems that focus on my lifelong battle with my body image, indirect problems that reinforce my commitment issues and my fear of being hurt, my continuing fight to feel wanted by my peers. The continuing problem I have with letting go and just trusting that everything will work out.
I feel like I’m constantly on loose ground and unable to find my footing. About to fall at any moment with one wrong step. And just when I think I’m standing on solid ground, the earth beneath me shifts and I begin to stumble.
I have yet to fall and not get back up. But I feel the eminent danger of that moment. I know I don’t have a lot left in me to keep me going. I’m there, at the edge and I’m so alone and frustrated and so tired.
My resources are dwindling and I’m left worrying I’m asking too much of those left at my side. I know I’m tired of hearing my story over and over so I can only imagine those I still consider friends and how they feel when it’s another “bad day” from me.
So how do I make it past this point? How do I pull myself up and make it through? I’ve made it past so many other tough spots but how do I pull through this one? I’m not confident this will be the last one so I almost feel like laying down and just resting. Letting it wash over me and staying down this time. Staying down till this is all done.
So, universe….can I have that break now?
I’m still waiting for an answer…